[Biblemat] Fractured Bible Stories

[kenneth Thomas]

Fractured Bible Stories
The 12 Opossums
The following was submitted by a "liberal" no doubt for he speaks of being a
leader in "Junior Church" whatever that is supposed to be??? However the
extent to which the Bible events are misconstrued and fractured is an
example of how many people, including adults, often "twist the Scriptures to
their own destruction" (2 Peter 3:9-16), as opposed to "Handling aright the
word of truth" (2 Timothy 2:15). Kenneth E. Thomas
"One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more
than Baby-sit our church’s beloved little ankle-biters during their time in
our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background
in biblical history. At end of each year, we give them assignment never
fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on
your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with complete
overview of Bible, compiled from their essays:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!'
and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't
been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so
they were driven from Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah
 who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a
large boat and put his family and some animals on it He asked some other
people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs
 mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with
manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't
lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a
bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it
sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of
one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New
Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door! Were you
born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas
Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up
to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.
There! Now you understand it.
 
 
Kenneth E. Thomas
Pekin church of Christ
1451 Valle Vista Blvd.
Pekin, IL 61554
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/7017/pekin_ch.html
1 (309) 347-3582 - Office
1 (309) 347-5645 - Home
 
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