[Biblemat] Humorous Story

[The Bishops]

Greetings from Fred Bishop in Borden, IN.

Thanks to all who responded to my request. I am not sure the posting I had seen earlier was on Bible Matters cause I got several different ones. However, since they are all similar any one would have filled my request. Several of you asked for copies so I have included them here. Thanks again, Fred

"---pray for one another" James 5:16
Some folks live and learn, some folks just live.

"Once upon a time a man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves; and the thorns grew up and choked the man. And he went on and met the Queen of Sheba, and she gave that man, Sir, a thousand talents of silver, and a hundred changes of raiment. And he got in his chariot and drove furiously, and as he was driving along under a big tree, his hair got caught in a limb and left him hanging here! And he hung there many days and many nights. The ravens brought him food to eat and water to drink. And one night while he was hanging there asleep, his wife Delilah came along and cut off his hair, and he fell on stony ground. And it begin to rain, and rained forty days and forty nights. And he hid himself in a cave. Later he went on and met a man who said, "Come in and take supper with me." But he said, "I can't come in, for I have married a wife." And the man went out into the highways and hedges and compelled him to come in! He then came to Jerusalem, and saw Queen Jezebel sitting high and lifted up in a window of the wall. When she saw him she laughed, and he said, "Throw her down out of there," and they threw her down. And he said "Throw her down again," and they threw her down seventy-times-seven. And the fragments which they picked up filled twelve baskets full! NOW, whose wife will she be in the day of the Judgment?" 



A man applied for a preaching job, the church where he applied asked him how well he knew the scriptures, he replied.

 

"There was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, who came to Jesus by night and when he left he went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, who stripped him of his clothing, wounded him, and he fell by the wayside, and the thorns grew up and choked him half to death. 

 

The next day Solomon and his wife Gomorrah came by and set him free, and he rode on a mule. The mule went under a great tree, and his hair caught in the boughs; so he was left hanging between heaven and earth. And he hung there for forty days and forty nights, and afterward he hungered, and the ravens came and fed him.

 

And after three months he departed in a ship of Alexandria, and when they came to the city of Babylon Jezebel was looking out the window and he said, "throw her down". And they said, "Till seven times"? He said unto them, "Until seventy times seven", so they threw her down four hundred and ninety times, and they took up of the fragments that remained twelve baskets full. Therefore in the resurrection whose wife will she be?"

 

Because of his great knowledge, he was hired.



LOOKING FOR A PREACHER

A church was considering asking a preacher to work with it, so the brethren asked the preacher to tell them a Bible story.  The young man eagerly obliged with the following:

"The prodigal son went down to Jericho and fell upon stony ground.  The thorns sprang up and chocked him half to death.  The next morning, Solomon and his wife, Gomorrah, came down the road to him and had compassion upon him and went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and giving him wine for his stomach, and put him on their donkey and took him down to the ark for Moses to take care of him.  And as they were going through the Eastern Gate to enter the ark, his hair got caught in the branches of an oak tree and he hung up there for forty days and forty nights and afterwards he was hungered.  Then ravens came to him and brought bread and fed him as he sat by the Brook Kishon.

The next morning three wise men named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego came by and took him down to the boat dock.  From there they caught a boat sailing to Nineveh.  As he approached that great city, he saw that wicked woman Delilah sitting on the city wall.  He said unto those who were with her, throw her down, boys! And they said, how many times shall we throw her down, seven times?  And he said, nay, but I say unto thee, seventy times seven!  So they threw her down from the wall 490 times.

And she burst asunder in the midst and all her bowels gushed out.  They picked up the fragments thereof, twelve baskets full.  And they said unto him from the wall, And in the resurrection whose wife shall she be?"

The search committee sat there for a while, didn't say a word, but finally the chairman of the search committee said, "Well, he may be young, but he sure does know his Bible!"


Amazing Incredible Sermon

 

"Well, once upon a time a man went from Jerusalem to Jericho and fell among thieves [Luke 10:30] and the thorns grew up and choked him [Luke 8:7].  And he went on and didn't have any money, and he met the Queen of Sheba, and she gave him a thousand talents of gold and one hundred changes of raiment [1 Kings 10:10].  And he got in a chariot and drove furiously [2 Kings 9:20], and while he was driving under a tree his hair caught among the limbs [2 Samuel 18:9], and he hung there for three days and three nights [Jonah 1:17].  And the ravens brought him food to eat and water to drink [1 Kings 17:6], and one night while he was hanging his wife came along and cut off his hair [Judges 16:19] and he fell on stony ground [Luke 8:6] and it rained forty days and forty nights [Genesis 7:14], and he hid himself in a cave [1 Kings 19:9] and he met a man who said, 'Come in and have supper with me.' [Luke 11:37]  And he said, 'I have married a wife and can not come now.' [Luke 14:20]  So the man went into the highways and byways and compelled him to come in and have supper with him. [Luke 14:23]  And he went on to Jerusalem [2 Kings 12:17] and sitting high up in a window was Jezebel [2 Kings 9:30] and when she saw him she laughed [Genesis 18:12] and they flang her down. [2 Kings 9:33]  And he said, 'Fling her down some more,' [2 Kings 9:33] and they flang her down seventy and seven times [Matthew 18:22] and of the fragments they picked up twelve baskets full. [Matthew 14:20] Now, whose wife is she going to be in the resurrection?  [Matthew 22:28] Amen!"

 

What do the above passages teach?  What is wrong with the story?  Every word came from the Bible! 

It is an illustration of what it means to take a statement out of context.  The Devil is much slier when it comes to salvation.  He doesn't want anyone to be saved!  So he has done just as the story above illustrates-taken a bunch of unrelated passages and distorted the meaning and abused the context to teach what God did not intend to teach.  Does the Bible speak of faith?  Certainly! Does it mention prayer? Yes!  Does it teach honesty & sincerity? Most definitely!  Does it command repentance? Confession?  Baptism?  Trust?  Hope?  The Holy Spirit?  Belief?  All of these are taught, yet we cannot ignore the context in which each is used to mix and match to teach error in regard to salvation.  We cannot get the 'cart before the horse'.  Yet Satan has successfully done so, and churches are divided over how man is saved.  Each teaches a varying approach.  When the order is questioned, they become defensive and yell "foul"; narrow-mindedness; prejudice, etc.  

Is there multiple ways to be saved?  A study of the book of Acts reveals that there is a pattern or plan by which man 'obeys the gospel'.  It is a plan by which man responds to the invitation of Christ to 'take My yoke & learn of Me'.  

That pattern is found in the book of Acts.  
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